someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
