just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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