I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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