Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
