at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
