She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
