theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
