Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
