there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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