Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
