Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
