she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
