At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
