I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
