Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
