When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
