we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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