Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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