are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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