def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
