no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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