I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
