I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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