I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
