Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You took a bar mat shot.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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