I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The adults are the big ones right?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
