I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
