Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize