Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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