You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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