god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
