My hand turned me down
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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