Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
