I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
