My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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