I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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