is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
