I think I am morally bankrupt
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
