I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize