I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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