you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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