I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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