this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
