I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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