similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize