How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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