i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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