Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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