WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
