4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
