hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
