i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
