i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
