Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
