If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
