Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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