woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
