Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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